she acts like summer and walks like rain .

Why am I so good at pushing people away? It happens every time I start to get those butterflies for someone. Honestly though, I haven’t felt butterflies for someone in awhile. So it’s kind of nice to know I still have a heart. I was starting to get scared. Lately, I have been all about me. Not in the selfish sense, but in the way that I’ve become a lot more independent and self-relient. I’m still on that journey to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I haven’t had to think about another person in that way for awhile now. I still feel like I don’t have the time and energy for any type of relationship at the moment. My life is work, school, sorority. Repeat. 

You definitely know winter is here because everyone is getting that feel-good vibe and everyone just wants to cuddle. Yes, it would be nice to cuddle with someone during the holidays, but I’m trying to refrain from that. I don’t want to cuddle just to cuddle, or be with someone just to be with them.

I want someone I can be weird with, who gets my weird jokes and embraces my quirks. Someone who can make me laugh when I don’t even feel like smiling.  Someone who will make me tell them what is wrong even when I say I’m fine. Someone who can surprise me with cute things on days that are not valentines day/bday/christmas/etc. Someone who isn’t clingy or needy. Someone who can challenge me mentally.  Someone who is independent, ambitious, and driven.  Someone who will strengthen my ambitions. Someone with success in his future, but who wouldn’t let the drive for success ruin his future. Someone who loves his mother, his father, and his siblings. Someone who I can have deeper conversations with. Someone I am completely comfortable with, but who can push me to be outside of my comfort zone. I want someone who makes me want to be a better person.   

Maybe I’m foolish for pushing every guy away when I don’t feel like they can meet these standards. But right now, my life is so busy, that until I find someone who is fully and completely worth my time, energy, and love, I don’t see the point in investing. I’m going to hold out for the person that I can fall head over heels for, not just the first time I meet them, but over and over again.

Disregarding those that give me butterflies, I’m going to wait for the guy who will give me fucking fireworks.